You may have noticed that I’ve been a bit quiet on here. I haven’t posted for about 3 months after posting extremely regularly for some time.
Well, there’s been some stuff going here and to be honest, I just haven’t felt like writing. I haven’t felt like doing very much at all. Even my beloved camera has stayed in the cupboard.
One minute I was busy preparing webinars, workshops, courses …. The next, I found myself caught up in a messy, sometimes painful, definitely frightening and then reassuring process of being cracked open. Being open to receiving.
One Friday I was out at the Gawler Cancer Foundation playing with photographer, Beth Jennings, who took these amazing photos for me to update the website and to take Essentially Being to the next level.
The following Monday I walked out of the oncologist’s office in shock. In complete disbelief that not only was there a mass in my belly again, but that it was quite large. Sigourney was BACK. I’m living a sequel.
(If you are new here and don't know who Sigourney is, you can find out here)
And so I’ve been in hibernation. My attention has been turned inward. The last vestiges of any drive or ambition have been stripped from me. I am now very content simply to focus on getting well. To focus on healing. For as long as it takes.
Of course, I have some ideas about why this happened:
My body has never fully recovered from the chemotherapy I had 3 years ago.
The Great Immune System Crash of 2014 put both my spirit and my body under enormous stress. As a girlfriend said the other day, my body took a HUGE hit.
As soon as I started to FEEL well, I assumed I WAS well and began to fall into my old habits of doing. I put myself under stress to share with others everything I’ve learned and started to work longer and longer hours, neglecting my exercise and my own healing practice of meditation.
I started to share again from a physical cup that was far emptier than I thought. Although the spirit was, and is, fully powered.
Or it might just be that cancer/lymphoma is a sneaky bugger and this was going to happen no matter what. That’s what the doctors told me would happen. But I know too many people who have been able to manage this disease through lifestyle without recurrences to fully believe that.
I’ve been to some pretty dark places since that Monday. But now things seem to have evened out. The initial panic has settled. And once again I’m into a bit of a healing routine.
I’m keeping an open mind about the options I have. My goal is to make decisions from a place that is free of fear. So that I am able to make the best choices for myself, I have to always ask “What is the most loving thing I can do?”
And Hippocrates said that the primary goal of any treatment should be to do no harm. So while I haven’t completely rejected conventional treatment, I’m not rushing into it either.
Some of the things I’ve done over the last 3 months are:
A 21 day fast of 14 days on water and 7 on juice. I can’t say that was easy in the middle of winter and it didn’t have the immediate outcomes I had hoped for, as in Sigourney didn't leave. However, I have noticed in the months since, my immune system has strengthened.
Vitamin C infusions a couple of times a week.
Lots of far infrared saunas. So many in fact, we worked out it was cheaper to buy one. (Funny story - I posted this photo of me on Facebook christening the sauna and for some reason a lot of people mistook it for me sitting on the toilet.)
Meditation … of course
Walking, yoga and even a little bit of dancing and singing
The gene test known as RGCC or the Greek blood test – I get the results next week and that will help to determine the most effective and least harmful treatment options for me if I need them.
Booked for a month long healing and fasting program in Bali with Tyler Tolman and his team. I leave in 2 weeks. And hopefully my Main man will be able to join me over there towards the end of it.
All in all, I’m in pretty good spirits and full of hope.
The most important realisation I’ve had is that I need to open myself up to receive all the goodness that this Universe has to offer. I’ve even accepted that I actually have enormous abundance in my life and I am allowed to enjoy it.
There has to be flow. And I can tell you there just isn’t much flow happening when your lymphatic system is all clogged up.
And that’s why I’m going to Bali.
I am going to hand myself over into the caring hands of professionals and allow my spirit (and body) to receive all that they have to offer without feeling that I should be doing something else at the same time. Like doing the washing. Or doing the shopping. Or cooking (or preparing dinner if you’ve noticed my Facebook posts about doing raw food for the next couple of weeks)
I am opening myself to resting and receiving and allowing the flow. I am surrendering to all that is available to me and allowing the healing to happen. I am getting out of my own way (and trying not to overthink things) and JUST BEING!
The Tao does nothing and nothing is left undone - Lao Tzu
I have ummed and ahhed about writing this post. Do I tell people or do I not? What is the most self-loving thing I can do?
For a while it was to be quiet. To keep myself to myself.
There was also that strange conundrum that this blog started as a record of my personal journey to share with friends and family and then became a business blog with interviews and interesting information. And sharing this latest chapter was a return to the personal. And some of you might not have signed up for that.
But now, being as free of fear as I can be, I see that being open to receiving also means being vulnerable and allowing myself to be seen. And to receive support, since I'm on the topic of receiving.
If you are finding out about my current situation for the first time through this blog, please understand that I really have been hibernating and protecting myself. I don't seem to be able to tell anyone in person about the ‘C’ word without getting caught up in the drama of it. There are the inevitable tears and hugs, which are good of course. But it can feel a bit like I'm at my own funeral and I'm not quite ready for that!
And I also have to confess that right now, I have very little inclination (or energy for that matter) for social interaction. I speak very little on the phone and have seen only a handful of people.
I’m really just BEING as much as I can.
So all I really ask for at this time is for your prayers and loving thoughts. Just knowing you are there wishing me well is enough. However, I am always up for a good laugh so feel free to send me jokes and cat videos.
Now that I’ve come out of hiding, I’ll have a bit more freedom to share what’s happening, if the inspiration takes me. Or not, if it doesn’t.
Thanks for reading and for walking alongside me on this forever twisting path.
And if you want to follow this journey at random, you might want to 'like' my Facebook page which is probably where I'll stay most up to date. I will be posting here ... maybe.
Be happy. Be well.
And so be it.